Is this the era of desperate married bachelors?

Couples living single-miserable-lonely lives

Updated: Monday, July 18, 2011 Story by: MEEME JOSHUA

“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can't sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can't sleep with window open” (George Bernard Shaw)

Marriage is a confluence of different personality traits which mostly works best as parasitic not symbiotic relationship. Marriage is not for convenience sake or complementary purposes but selfish search for happiness. For well fitting pair, the couples must act like interlocking spurs: where there is a weakness in one partner, the other partner becomes the supporting strength. But this is not the case. In many couples when their partner errs, it is because he/she was poorly brought up, or had perverted peer groups in their youth, or they are engaging in bad company. In trying to justify the weaknesses of the other partner, rifts between them are surely widening. Two people meant to be together, are perennially quarreling and complaining of each other's behavior.

Complains is the first sign that two people are not in conformity with each other. Marriage therefore built on the wrong foundation, weak building materials by incompetent masons. First, when people get married, the famous cliche is: marriage is not a bed of roses. Publics judgment is based on other people's failure. But no one really tells you why their marriage failed. Coming with a mindset of failed marriages, can only expect theirs to follow similar path. Any natural and human mistake, is viewed as being the beginning of deviant behavior.

Secondly, people get into marriage with a lot of expectations. What follows is broken promises and frustrations. Coming from a completely different relationship of father, mother and siblings, marriage comes into existence on unbeaten path. Couples do not get into marriage union with experience. None of them has been married before and most of the time will rely on the 'wise' counsel of the best couple; who may not have experienced happy marriage either. If you are a lady they will tell you men are like that; if your are a man, your are told 'welcome to institution of nagging companionship'.

Third, when people meet nowadays they barely have time to study the other person's past lives and character. Indeed, in the olden days the role of parents was to identify the family that had good morals to have a marriage relationship with. But now grown up people meet in colleges and in towns; all with vested interests. They, more often than not, wear a camouflage for purposes of trapping the other person. After safely tying the knot and being together then separation is too costly and painful. This comfort zones reveals the true hidden character of the other person. The result is pain and betrayal.

Fourth, each person is looking for mister or madam right. With a well designed template in the mind, suitability of a person is checked against behaviors and mannerisms of perfect people we watch on soap operas. Because no one is perfect unless when they are acting, the bar is raised so high that people take many years searching for the right partner with no avail. When time catches up with them, they desperately accept any person of the opposite gender who comes their way.

People get married for their own selfish reasons and/or due to forces from without. Many marry to please their parents; many marry because their peers are married; many marry because it is a career requirement; many marry for kids; many marry for strange reasons besides being in love with each other. Due to the rush and urgency from external forces, many people make wrong choices. They have no time to learn from each other but spends time scheming how to outdo the other partner to fall into spell. Rarely do these partners seek to understand whether the other person can live with their shortcomings, for the remainder of their lives.

They say, if you want know how a woman is going to treat you after some years of marriage look at how their mother treats father; if you want to know how a guy is going to treat you after some years look at their father. But many will claim they are different persons. However, as much as we try to be different, we will always carry some of genetic traits from our parents. Many married couples have been duped by their partners that theirs will be different companionship but end up in the same rut of abuse, complains and loneliness in marriage.

What was initially sweet honey, becomes bitter pepper that the other partner want to keep away from. The love which two people shared before, becomes a case of usual man or woman in the house. Familiarity breeds conflicts. But solving these conflicts determine the future of marriage. It only through communication that the inner self opens to outside world. Engaging in communication with sole aim of understanding your partner before it is too late, is key to long happy marriage. Couples, though, do not seek explanation due to fear. The result is reserved heart and mind that conflates the wrongs and resentment swells. Because naturally a swelling has its limits, when it reaches its bursting point, the marriage cannot be salvaged without painful consequences.

The alternative is living lonely-single life in a marriage relationship

joshmemento@yahoo.com